Primarily Speaking

Goat|Paperclip 2016: Because the actual Republican candidates are a waking nightmare.
We are now a mere TEN MONTHS away from the presidential election, and we know two things for certain: 1. All of the Republican candidates are garbage nightmares; and 2. None of them should be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office.

Let's see what the Dirtbag Dozen are up to today!

Front runner and gold toilet aficionado Donald Trump continues to be suuuuuper terrible! And his daughter and surrogate spokesperson Ivanka appears on the cover of Town & Country (because obviously) to tell us all that he is not a misogynist and is, in fact, "one of the great advocates for women." Sure. "I think my dad is highly gender-neutral. ...He 100 percent believes in equality of gender." Case closed, Your Honor!

Joe McCarthy impersonator Ted Cruz is raffling off an engraved shotgun, because of course he is.

Thirsty jerk Marco Rubio continues to say many smart and decent things, like "President Barack Obama 'has deliberately weakened America' by making an effort to 'humble' the nation on the world stage" and "Not only is Hillary Clinton incompetent, she’s also a liar." He seems neat!

Meanwhile, pugilist Chris Christie, mixing Cruz's gun fetishization with Rubio's condescending commentary about the President, "called President Barack Obama 'a petulant child' for using executive action to curb gun violence." This fucking guy.

Something something Rand Paul liberty isolationism Jesus.

Shyamalanian surprise less smart brother Jeb Bush has a terrific plan to rescue his candidacy from swirling around the bottom of the bowl. Spoiler Alert! It's very basic politics and it's definitely not going to work!

Sweater vest supermodel Rick Santorum is taking aim at Cruz by mocking him for having read Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor during a filibuster in 2013. Good one, Santorum. A compelling argument.

Professor of Bible bigotry Mike Huckabee is also going after Cruz, with ads that essentially say he's not homophobic enough to be president. Cool argument, bro!

Reverse surging oddball Ben Carson has unveiled his flat tax plan. Terrific. "The plan, which Carson announced during an interview on Fox News, would tax individuals and corporations alike at 14.9 percent and would eliminate tax deductions and loopholes." Sounds amazing. A+ venue.

Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina is being criticized for tweeting that, although she loves her alma mater Stanford, she was "rooting for a Hawkeyes win today." Whooooooops! "It earned her criticism for what many saw as an attempt to pander to voters in Iowa, the influential first-caucus state. But an interview with Dana Bash on CNN on Sunday, Fiorina said her tweet was clearly 'tongue in cheek.' 'Can't a girl ever have a little bit of fun?' Fiorina said." THAT'S ALL THEY REALLY WANT TO HAVE! Fiorina doesn't get that people understand it's a joke; they just think it's a shitty one that reveals something about her opportunistic nature. Add that to the list of things Fiorina doesn't understand about politics and policy, which currently includes literally everything.

"Moderate" John Kasich "is airing his first television advertisement in New Hampshire this week, hoping to break through in the chaotic Republican presidential race with a debut spot that highlights his rough upbringing, personal resilience and governing achievements. The intended takeaway from the 30-second ad, which uses arresting imagery and is heavy on biography: 'John Kasich never gives up.'" Hahahaha even when he definitely should! Give up and go home, John Kasich!

Jim Gilmore is still a real person who is running for president.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle...

Martin O'Malley has not dropped out!

Hillary Clinton [CN: sexual assault; video may autoplay at link] responded to a heckler with: "You are very rude and I'm not going to ever call on you." Haha! The heckler was Republican New Hampshire State Representative Katherine Prudhomme O'Brien, and she later "told reporters she was trying to ask Clinton about Juanita Broaddrick a woman who in 1999 made rape allegations against Bill Clinton." This, after Trump has taken to using Bill Clinton's history of sexual misconduct against Clinton, tweeting: "If Hillary thinks she can unleash her husband, with his terrible record of women abuse, while playing the women's card on me, she's wrong!" Clinton's got to come up with a good response to this line of attack, and I frankly think it should be something like: "Mr. Trump, if you think I've never had words for my husband about his misogyny, then you obviously don't know me very well. But my husband isn't running for president: You are. And I will continue to have words for you about your misogyny."

Y'all are well familiar by now with my disdain for Bernie Sanders' campaign manager Jeff Weaver, and buried deep in this piece on Weaver comes this tidbit:

The blowback outside the campaign [after Weaver made shitty misogynist comments in an October interview with Bloomberg Politics] was fierce. But there was also blowback within the Sanders campaign as well, as some aides said the language crossed a line. Mr. Sanders said on MSNBC that the comment "was inappropriate," although it is not clear whether he suggested that Mr. Weaver apologize.

However, others in the campaign did. The Sanders campaign's New Hampshire state director, Julia Barnes, asked Mr. Weaver to apologize for the comments, and voiced her displeasure to him in clear terms. He never did, telling unhappy staffers on a conference call after the report aired that their team needed to be mindful that the Clinton campaign was about to unleash attacks on Mr. Sanders, according to three people with direct knowledge of the episode.

So, a female state campaign director asks Weaver to apologize for misogynistic comments about Clinton, and not only does Weaver not apologize, but instead just demonizes Clinton.

I really dislike this guy. And I really find it difficult to trust Sanders when he puts so much stock in someone who is such an asshole.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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Primarily Speaking

Goat|Paperclip was a popular ticket in 2012 (with nearly everyone), and I'm happy to announce that my top secret sources have informed me they are fixing to announce another run at the White House. Reportedly, they will announce their announcement to announce their official announcement to run later this week. You heard it here first!

In other primary news, here's what happening on the Democratic side of the aisle:

Former Governor of Maryland Martin O'Malley is fixing to mark a path to the White House straight through the NRA: "How many acts of violence do we have to endure as a people before we stand up to the congressional lobbyists of the National Rifle Association? How many more Americans have to die?" He also, to be clear, spoke about white supremacy. And while I'm not on board framing the AME Shooting as a gun control issue, I am pretty excited to see a Democratic candidate who is willing to shit all over the NRA!

Senator Bernie Sanders, who's now been given permission to use "Rockin' in the Free World" and presumably understands its meaning unlike some dipshits, drew a crowd of 5,000 to an event in Denver. That's 5,000 times the number of attendees pulled by some other dipshits!

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has just hired Betsaida Alcantara, a senior advisor to Julian Castro at the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development. Alcantara, who will serve as Clinton's director of media planning, is "the fourth high-profile Latina hire by the Clinton campaign, joining national political director Amanda Renteria, Nevada director Emmy Ruiz, and director of coalitions press Xochitl Hinojosa." She's also leading literally everyone in pointlessly early polling.

Former Republican Lincoln Chafee attended a Flag Day picnic on June 14 at the Sandwich, New Hampshire, home of Richard and Ruth Stuart on the banks of Squam Lake. That sounds fun!

* * *

On the Republican side of the aisle, I will just reiterate that there are now TWELVE PEOPLE RUNNING. Twelve. And the election is still a year and a half away. Which means more people will run. More than the TWELVE already running.

Anyway. Here's the baker's dozen of bozos, in alphabetical order, and what they're up to lately, besides the constant non-news of their all being comprehensively terrible at all fucking times:

Former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush published a piece on Medium about how President Obama isn't taking cybersecurity seriously and proposes we be more like Estonia. Sure.

Dr. Ben Carson, as mentioned, thinks his GOP rivals are racist cowards, basically. Which is accurate.

[CN: Homophobia] Senator Ted Cruz vows to keep fighting against same-sex marriage even if the Supreme Court legalizes it, because he is terrific, and also may torch the President's trade deal at the last minute by switching his vote, because he loves seeing his name in the press more than anything.

[CN: Misogyny] Corporate power-failure Carly Fiorina still can't stop talking about Hillary Clinton, making her case that she deserves to be included in the GOP debates because, as the only woman in the GOP field, she "is in a unique position to attack the likely Democrat nominee, Hillary Clinton." Note that the argument is about attacking Clinton, not Clinton's policies. Because of course it is.

Senator Lindsey Graham has changed his mind about the Confederate flag, because PRINCIPLES!, and this headline definitely says SHIFTS.


[CN: Homophobia; racism; appropriation] Professor of Bible Bigotry Mike Huckabee just continues to fucking outdo himself in the WORST CLOWN IN THE CLOWN CAR department: "Yesterday, Mike Huckabee sent a letter to Religious Right leaders warning that a ruling in favor of marriage equality from the Supreme Court would be just as 'backwards' and 'broken' as rulings which 'rationalized the destruction of human life, defined African Americans as property and justified Japanese-American internment camps.' 'I refuse to sit silently as politically driven interest groups threaten the foundation of religious liberty, criminalize Christianity, and demand that Americans abandon Biblical principles of natural marriage,' Huckabee continued. 'I will fight to defend religious liberty at all costs.'" This fucking guy.

Former Governor of New York George Pataki presumably continues to be a human being who is running for President of the United States, but I am not sure since this appears to be the only thing written about him in about a month. Cool campaign, George Pataki! You're doing GREAT!

Senator Rand Paul something something flat tax omg shut up.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry just continues to say the most incredibly stupid things: Fox News host Chris Wallace asks him, "More than 1 in 5 Texans didn't have health coverage, and yet you refused to set up a state exchange under Obamacare; you refused to expand Medicaid. I mean, is that looking out for the little guy when 21 percent of Texans didn't have health insurance?" And Perry responds, "That's not how we keep score. I think it's a fallacy to say access to health care is all about insurance." YOU ARE A WRECK RICK PERRY GO TAKE A NAP.

Senator Marco Rubio is apparently regarded as the only meaningful challenger to Jeb Bush. (At least as long as Scott Walker isn't in the race.) I mean, I guess. His policies are pretty much the same as every other one of these bozos', but he does manage to seem less offensive about it most of the time.

[CN: Homophobia] Sweatervest aficionado Rick Santorum, along with his BFF Huckabee, has signed a pledge authored by Texas pastor Rick Scarborough that describes same-sex parenting as "unconscionable and destructive" and a threat to children's "security, stability, and future." Fuck fuck fuck off.

[CN: Racism; cartoon violence] Billionaire buffoon Donald Trump is being sold in piñata form after his shitty comments about Mexican people in his campaign announcement speech. Something something free market, right Trump?

Phew! That's everyone! I did it! *takes victory lap*

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nap for one thousand years.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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Santorum | Paperclip 2016

On Meet the Press this weekend, Rick Santorum said, "I'm open to looking into a presidential race in 2016." Which isn't really news, because, as we know, his carefully selected cadre of impartial advisers has recommended that he definitely run for president again. And when the Santorum Brain Trust recommends a course of action, you take it. If you're Rick Santorum.

So anyway. Rick Santorum will probably run for president again. Which will be fun for all of us who like to watch him lose. It's just too bad that comes at the cost of a terrible person saying terrible things on a national platform for months on end. But as long as Republicans insist on running, I will mock the shit out of them! Because they are terrible and their political ideology is a garbage nightmare!

"Here I come!"—Rick Santorum.

"Me too!"—Me.

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If Only the Media Would Talk about Republicans!

LOL FOREVER:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) ripped the media in a speech Tuesday to the Ripon Society, arguing press coverage is partly responsible for the GOP's messaging woes.

Cantor, who has tried to recast the image of the GOP with his Making Life Work agenda, said the party's economic message is often drowned out by coverage of debt and deficits.

"The media has done a great job of sort of shoving us in the corner, because all they say we are concerned with is somehow balancing the budget and cutting spending and taking things away from people," Cantor said. "What we're trying to say is that we need to do those things in order to reenergize the opportunity machine of America. We're about giving people opportunity. And that's really what our agenda this year is about."

Poor Republicans! Shoved in a corner like that by the big meanie media! It must be terrible for the GOP that most of the media only promotes a conservative agenda 24 hours a day! OH THE HUMANITY.

And, gee, you know, Cantor has a point. You don't hear a lot about how the Republican Party is "about giving people opportunity." And it's definitely the media and not the fact that their garbage platform is, in fact, not about giving people opportunity, even a little bit.

Republicans have focused recently on crafting a more appealing political message, most notably in relation to minority voters. Republican National Committee (RNC) chairman Reince Priebus has been traveling across the country meeting with minority leaders, and the RNC issued a post-campaign evaluation that called for more substantive engagement with minority communities.

Some in the GOP have also acknowledged the need to soften the party's economic message, arguing that it's easier for President Obama and Democrats to sell a message about government benefits than it is for Republicans to sell a vision of personal responsibility.

"Pander Bootstraps!"—Goat|Paperclip 2016.

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Photos of the Day

Reuters Pictures: "Republican presidential candidate and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum displays a piece of North Dakota shale while speaking to supporters during an event at the Curb Center on Belmont University's campus in Nashville, Tennessee February 29, 2012, a few days prior to Super Tuesday voting on March 6, 2012."


Reuters Pictures: "Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum holds a piece of coal during a rally at Temple Baptist in Powell, Tennessee February 29, 2012. Santorum is campaigning in Tennessee before the primary elections on March 6, 2012."


AP Photo: "Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum holds a lump of oil he got from North Dakota which he said demonstrated the need for the Keystone pipeline deal while speaking at Temple Baptist Church Wednesday, Feb. 29, 2012 in Knoxville, Tenn."

TRUE FACT: Rick Santorum|Rock are really going to give Goat|Paperclip a run for their money this year!

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Primarily Terrible

Supporters pray over Republican presidential candidate, former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (C) during a campaign stop at the Bella Donna Chapel on February 8, 2012 in McKinney, Texas. [Getty Images]

I'm thinking it's images like the one above (barrrrrrrrf) that necessitated frontrunner (!?whut?!) Rick Santorum assuring voters that he is not running to be "pastor in chief" of the United States. (He totally is, by the way.) I will point out yet again, because I'm an asshole like that, that the church in which this revival campaign event was held is a tax exempt entity, since it is not considered inappropriately political for a congregation to lay its hands on a presidential candidate and pray for him in front of the news media.

I will also note (#asshole #atheist) that these laws were put into place back when religious institutions in this country were generally in the business of actually helping the poor in their communities and not building multimillion-dollar entertainment complexes complete with ATMs and gift shops.

Anyway!

Here is a fun quote from Rick Santorum, Master of Projection: "The intolerance of the left, the intolerance of the secular ideology, it is a religion unto itself, it is just not a biblical based religion, and it is the most intolerant. Just like we saw from the days of the atheists of the Soviet Union, it is completely intolerant of dissent. They fear dissent. Why? Because the dissent comes from folks who use reason, common sense, and divine revelation and they want no part of any of those things."

"Reason, common sense, and divine revelation." One of these things is not like the other, Rick Santorum!

Rick Santorum also said at the same revival campaign event: "The institution of marriage saved my life." Rick Santorum is a hyperbolic dipshit, so it is not literally true that marriage saved his life, but he clearly finds his marriage VERY IMPORTANT to the quality of his life. Which, of course, makes it even more heinous that he endeavors to deny participation in the institution of marriage to some people, on the basis of whom they want to marry.

"Here is a life-saving thing that YOU CANNOT HAVE!"—Rick Santorum, Good Christian.

Speaking of Good Christians, the American Conservative Union's Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is this week, and, naturally Mitt Romney is heading on over in order to pretend like there's a chance in hell that he'll ever appeal to extreme social conservatives.

CPAC FUN FACT! In 2007, Mitt Romney introduced Ann Coulter at CPAC by saying, "I am happy to hear that after you hear from me, you will hear from Ann Coulter. That is a good thing. Oh yeah!" before Coulter took the stage and called John Edwards a nasty gay slur.

Mitt Romney will be in GREAT COMPANY again at this year's CPAC: "CPAC will play host to anti-gay groups such as the Family Research Council, the birther leader of WorldNetDaily, and the Apartheid-nostalgic Youth for Western Civilization. But that isn't all. Following speeches from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Rep. Michele Bachmann, CPAC is hosting (pdf) the panel 'The Failure of Multiculturalism: How the pursuit of diversity is weakening the American Identity' with Peter Brimelow, the founder and head of VDARE.com ... a White Nationalist website, run by [a dude] from Great Britain [who] expresses his fear of the loss of America's white majority, blames non-white immigrants for social and economic problems, and urges the Republican Party to give up on minority voters and focus on winning the white vote."

Awesome! Good company you keep, Mitt Romney!

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, who is still definitely in the race for inexplicable reasons, will also be in attendance at CPAC.

I guess Ron Paul isn't attending? Well, that makes sense. He's probably pretty confident everyone already knows he's a racist thanks to those suuuuuuuper racist newsletters.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

P.S. I just saw this wire photo of Rick Santorum wearing a cowboy hat while campaigning in Texas...


...and now I cannot unsee this:


To the Beltway...and BEYOND!
That may be the ticket with the best chance of beating the unstoppable Goat|Paperclip this year!

Have a nice day!

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Primarily Gross

Here's the latest from Dissemblin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, aka the garbage nightmare known as the Republican Primary.

Enthusiasm void, ATM, and current frontrunner Mitt Romney has opened a 21 point lead in South Carolina, site of the next primary. "Well, whatever, it's a little late to find someone who doesn't make us throw up in our mouths now," said a majority of Republican primary voters, followed by a great heaving sigh of disappointment.

Well, there's always joke candidate (but not in the same way that all the other candidates are joke candidates) Stephen Colbert!

Evangelicals are, of course, all about Rick Santorum, who was voted the Official Candidate of an Arbitrary Assortment of Social Conservatives this weekend: "The decision was made today after three rounds of balloting at a meeting of more than 150 social conservative leaders and political activists held over the last two days in Brenham, Texas. Though the meeting was widely seen as an effort to settle on a candidate to stop Mitt Romney, [Family Research Council President Tony Perkins] said it was 'not a bash Romney weekend' and 'not a lot of time' was spent discussing him. Jon Huntsman's campaign was the only campaign not to participate in the meeting."

Ha ha way to go, Jon Huntsman! Speaking of Jon Huntsman and how he has no chance of winning, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh wait! There is BIG JON HUNTSMAN NEWS! He has dropped out! And he's now expected to endorse Romney, who just last week he was calling "completely unelectable." Perfect. Thank you for reminding us that you are, in fact, a politician, sir. Good luck in the future. Don't ever change. Stay sweet. LYLAS. My z key will totally miss you.

This is my favorite headline of the day about Newt Gingrich: Gingrich faces tough questions at SC campaign event with black church. Like, one imagines, "What are you doing here?" and "Who the fuck do you think you are?" and "Are you aware, sir, that you are a huuuuuuuge racist?" The one thing you can definitely say about Newt Gingrich, though, is that he is a uniter and not a divider, because white people hate him, too.

Something something Ron Paul. Something something liberty schmiberty.


Rick Perry is still definitely in the race! He has not dropped out yet! In fact, great news for all you Perry fans out there: "Perry vows to fight on, regardless of result in South Carolina primary." Of course he does. Because he's a genius.

Talk about these things! Or don't. Whatever makes you happy. Life is short.

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Now That's the Ticket!

As requested.

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Why I'll Never Vote for That Fucking Goat by Butch Pornstache

So, I hear some of you femifarts, queerbaits, gender-benders, fat chicks, and various other dinguses are all excited about that GOP Goat running for president. Well, let me tell you something as a long-time Republican voter: Ain't no way I'm voting for that fucking goat.

I don't care if he (or SHE, ladies) promises to 86 taxes altogether, turn Social Security into the Defense Department's piggy bank, appoint Chuck Norris the Secretary of Asskicking, and make Whitesnake vinyls the national currency. I don't care if my stepmom Cheryl promises to tell me where she hid my Best of Chico and the Man videos; I don't care if my ex-wife/fiancée Tammy promises to let me wear my favorite Hooters cap to our next wedding; I don't care if my brother Buck promises to give me back my copy of Guns & Ammo with that awesome Ted Nugent (NUGE!) interview in it. I still ain't voting for that fucking goat.

Because goats are assholes, man.

I know all you animal-loving hippies are already fixing to whine about how goats are awesome and shit, but hear me out! Here is my evidence:

1. This one time, a goat ate my entire stash of weed.

2. This other time, when I took my niece Sierra to a petting zoo, I saw a goat eating another goat's poop right as it was falling out of the other goat's butt. For serious. And when I reported that nasty business to the petting zookeeper by pointing and shrieking, "GOAT EAT GOAT POOP," he was all, "Oh, yeah—they do that all the time." Hell no. And don't even get me started on how creepy their little round turd-pellets are. P.S. The gumballs at petting zoos are actually goat food.

3. Another time, I was totally minding my own business in this field of goats, and one of them goddamn goats kicked the shit out of my shin, man.

4. One time, I caught a goat trying to hump one of the pink flamingo statues in my Aunt Trudie's front yard.

5. Oh, also—a goat ate my entire stash of weed. Again. Yeah, a totally different goat, man. That shit happened to me TWICE.

6. "Goats Head Soup" by the Stones. 'Nuff said.

7. Another time, a goat stepped on my laser disc copy of Universal Solider and broke the fuck out of it.

8. I barfed after eating goat stew at an Indian restaurant. (What—you think I never eat anything besides mac and cheese with hotdogs chunks in it? Just because that's my favorite meal doesn't mean I never try anything else! I'm married not dead, or whatever.)

9. I barfed after eating chèvre. That is the last time I use anything but American cheese to make Mac-n-Dogz.

10. Baby goats are called "kids." How fucked up is that? They're trying to be humans, straight scoop. You have no idea what they're capable of if we make one of them president.

11. One time at the beach, this goat totally kicked me in the nuts.

12. I once saw this documentary about mountain goats, and those fuckers can run straight up a cliff, man. I don't trust anything with less than six legs that can run straight up a cliff. That shit ain't natural.

13. This guy.

14. A goat ate my entire stash of weed. Twice. I know I mentioned it, but it bears repeating.

15. Goats live in herds called a "gnarl." Each gnarl elects a queen to oversee all goat business. A new queen is elected exactly three days after the death of her predecessor. That is some gnarly shit, and no I am not trying to be funny.

16. Like, half of my friends, when you ask them what animal they'd choose if they could be a human-animal hybrid, pick a goat. That's fucked-up, man. I don't know what right-minded dude would choose anything but a wolf, which gives me the suspicions that goats have the power of hypnosis, apart from all their other evil.

17. They're always judging you.

Welp, that's probably enough evidence for now. But I got a lot more where that came from, if you're still not convinced that goats are assholes. If the GOP really does run that goat in 2012, it'll be the first time I'm glad all you dumbasses are voting for Al Nader or whatever.

Pornstache: Out.

[Editor's Note: Although Shakesville disagrees with the GOP Goat on virtually every plank of its party's platform and respects Butch Pornstache's personal experience, Shakesville recognizes that goats are not a monolith and is officially pro-goat, generally speaking.]

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Good News!

Good news for all you Huckabee Lovers out there in Shakesylvania: Although arch-conservative gay-hating racist misogybag Mike Huckabee has ruled out a run for president in 2012, he's still open to "accepting a spot as vice president on the Republican ticket."

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Hmmm. No.

So garbage governor Rick Perry (R-TX) is toying with the press:

Gov. Rick Perry said today he will consider running for president after Legislature adjourns. "I'm going to think about it," the Republican governor said today. [...] But Perry's name is an increasingly hot property in the political world as nobody in the Republican field seems to have emerged as a clear front-runner.

[...]

Perry got an endorsement this week from an Hispanic Republican group and has been praised in recent days by talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. [...]

Well, if Rush Limbaugh is praising you, that should really tell you something.

Word of advice regarding "thinking about it", Rick: Don't.

According to Slate:

Mitt Romney will officially launch his campaign in New Hampshire on Thursday, June 2. Rick Santorum will make his White House desires official with a campaign event in Pennsylvania on June 6. And Michele Bachmann is expected to follow suit with a formal announcement in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, sometime in the next several weeks.

Barf. However, no word yet on Shakesville's endorsed GOP ticket, Goat & Paperclip.

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First Official Endorsement: 2012

Shakesville officially endorses the GOP ticket Goat|Paperclip 2012.
[Background here.]

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Giuliani 4 Prez

Oh boy. Former New York Mayor Rudy "A Noun, a Verb, and 9/11" Giuliani is reportedly considering running for president. Again. Despite the fact that his 2008 candidacy flamed out faster than a damp sparkler.

Speaking at a dinner with reporters in Washington, [New York Republican Representative Peter King], who was an enthusiastic Giuliani supporter in 2008, said the former mayor has been quietly lining up support and exploring strategy. Giuliani has also examined the mistakes his campaign made in '08, when he did not seriously compete in a contest until the Florida primary, by which time he was hopelessly behind in the race.

Yes, the problem was Giuliani's failure to seriously compete early enough, not the fact that he's a thrice-married philanderer who spent most of his political career in New York being unacceptably liberal on social issues by his party base's retrofuck standards, and, as a presidential candidate, was virtually indistinguishable from a parrot trained to squawk "9/11!" at random intervals. Oh, and there was that whole Kerik thing. Whooooooooooops!

It's unclear what effect a Giuliani candidacy would have on the primary campaign. There is an ongoing conversation among Republican political insiders about supposed voter unhappiness with the GOP field, and after Indiana governor Mitch Daniels' decision not to run, pundits and strategists have focused on hopes that New Jersey governor Chris Christie or House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan might be coaxed into running. Others have mentioned the name of former Florida governor Jeb Bush. Few observers have looked to Giuliani as a possible savior of the Republican Party.

LULZ.

Thing is, running Giuliani makes as much sense as any of the other dipfucks currently on the list of potential contenders, because it doesn't actually matter who the Republicans stick on the ticket. The next election is going to be a referendum on Obama's first term, and the vast majority of voters will either vote for Obama, or vote for Whoever the Other Choice Is, based almost exclusively on what they think of Obama's leadership. The GOP might as well run a goat and a paperclip; as long as the goat hates taxes and gay marriage and the paper clip wears a flag lapel pin, they'll get 30% of the vote, guaranteed.

[Via @EricBoehlert.]

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